Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So I've been drinking and I told the bf about the gf he almost fell of his chair
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
