im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
Some guy just watched me feed 30 dimes and 3 quarters for bread and cheese at the self checkout at walmart. I no longer comprehend shame...
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
