you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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