i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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