Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
