I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
