I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
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