Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Randomize
