My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
God gave him joint rollers for hands
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
