I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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