Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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