I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
We are not in a rock band. We can't continue living like this.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
