remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
