I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
No Robbie is the name of a kid or dog, not an adult man who's fucking you.
If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
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