whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Ran into him today. He apologized via facebook. sometimes I hate our generation
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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