you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
not ubering you a puppy
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
