Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I want her autograph on my taint
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Have you ever had to act sober and talk to an authority figure in a coconut bra? Because it is just as degrading as you would imagine.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Randomize
