just looked at his mug shot... not really my type
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
So I'm getting really old. I feel asleep for a booty call that I initiated. The struggle is real.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
