I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Getting up at 8 this morning to drink could be the best and the worst idea we've ever had
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
