fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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