"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
