I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
foreskin is a definite game changer
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
