True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
