life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
home. puking in laundry basket.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
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