I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
We will. we just need a little inspiration.... in smoke form.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Randomize
