She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
