____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
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