i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Randomize
