Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The weed is temporarily burning the grammar section of my brain library.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
Randomize
