She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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