I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
It was terrible. I am sore from head to toe, neither of us got off, and we were at it for an hour and a half, I faked having a heart episode so we could stop. It worked.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
