worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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