If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Nah its cool some of my cousins have fucked the same girls and brought them on family vacations and everything.
looked up people from my old yearbooks. 3 ex boyfriends are gay. im getting drunk now.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
