I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
My date bailed but I got to take a nap so I'm cool with it.
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize