If she sees it and stops hooking up w/ me then you owe me
remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
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