We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
Randomize
