I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
