He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
Randomize
