Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
which bright sisters idea was it to put semi-formal in the middle of no-shave november?
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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