fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Guess who just screamed "Everything happens for a reason!!" in the abortion clinic. This girl.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I'm getting married
To pizza
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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