I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
Randomize
