Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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