my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
Randomize
