I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
