im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
