Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
