I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Randomize
