I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
Randomize
