she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Randomize
