How long do you think herpes can live on chapstick?
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
So stoned that I pressed the unlock button on my car keys to walk into my bedroom...
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
Randomize
