Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
This is not a costume party, I'm just wearing fairy wings.
Of course you are.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
