When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
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