I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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