I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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