You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
