Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
