I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Randomize
