Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
When you're high, you dance like an injured velociraptor.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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