i only hope i can top last weeks sext session
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
