I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
