Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
Randomize
