i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
